i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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