Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
