Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Ketchup is God's man juice
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
