Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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