oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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