Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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