bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
