they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
