you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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