...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
