i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
