How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
