i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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