Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I need to calm my uterus...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
