If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
