***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
