Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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