Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
