We won't sleep together?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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