Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
