Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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