Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize