My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
