i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Houston, we have a blender
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
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