I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
