Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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