Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
