i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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