An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
