My sheets look like a crime scene.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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