This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
