I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
