Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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