we have pet lesbian snakes
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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