I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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