A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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