why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Who died my cat blue again?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
