I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
