You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
