Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
