You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
