be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize