I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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