That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize