I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
