I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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