i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The struggles of a small town man whore
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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