Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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