I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
