His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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