I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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