atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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