omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
