Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
