This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
