I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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