I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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