I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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