I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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