sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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