If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
