so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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