I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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