the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
worst night to have a conscience
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
