I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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