I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
