I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
