I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
