just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
