I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
