Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
