Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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