Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
